The straight poop. And the real skinny.

Education:
Immaculate Sisters Of Misery Academy and Finishing School
B.S. Electrical Engineering, MIT, 1958
M.S. Plasma Physics, MIT, 1960
M.S. Molecular Dynamics, MIT, 1960
M.S. Mathematics, Caltech, 1961
M.S. Engineering and Applied Science, Caltech, 1962
M.S. Mechanical Engineering, Stanford, 1963
Ph.D. Electrical Engineering, Stanford University, 1964
Ph.D. Astrophysics, Stanford University, 1965
Ph.D. Molecular Biology, Stanford University, 1966

Languages:
English, French, German, Portugese, Italian, Spanish, Latin, Greek, Mandarin Chinese, Japanese, Malawai (Chichewa), COBOL, FORTRAN, Assembly, Basic, C, C++, VB, HTML, ASP, PHP, JavaScript, Java, .NET, Lingo, ActionScript, legalese, Klingon and North American domestic cat.


Research Fellowships:
Institute for Computational & Mathematical Engineering (ICME)
Center for Simulation of Dynamic Response of Materials (CSDR)
Information Science and Technology (IST)
Center for Advanced Computing Research (CACR)


Certifications, Registrations and Licensing:
Licensed by the Texas Department of Corrections
Licensed Animal Control Officer, State Of New Mexico
Certified by the National Board of Radioactive Materials Disposal
Registered Peace Officer, State of California
Q, R and L level security clearance, CIA, DOE
Confidential level security clearance, DOD
Licensed Croupier, State Of Nevada


Hobbies:
Drinking, floral arranging, suspension bridge design, scolding children, bonsai, tesla coil construction, substitute teaching, confiscating chewing gum from strangers, delivering verbal tirades, refusing and returning direct mail pieces, reading trashy romance novels.

Born Thelma Doris Louisa Blonk, Aunt Calamity was an only child. Her mother was a homemaker and woman's rights activist; her father President of a military academy.

As a young child, Blonk displayed a passion for creating order from chaos and a disproportionate love of justice. She was Supervising Hall Monitor for 11 of her twelve years at Immaculate Sisters Of Misery Academy and helped the sisters create a psychological profiling system to identify nascent gum chewers.

Blonk also displayed a near-genius capacity for math and abstract scientific theory and great skill with a soldering iron. By fifth grade, she had built a low-powered AM radio transmitter with which she broadcast her opinions to anyone who stumbled upon her transmission frequency.

After years of grade-curve wrecking, increasing confrontations with Sisters Of Misery administrators and a number of mysterious explosions in the chemistry lab she was granted an early graduation and began studies at MIT on a full Electrical Engineering scholarship.

In less than three years she polished off her B.S. and went on to chalk up no fewer than five master's degrees and three doctorates in in a wide variety of scientific disciplines.

In 1966, Blonk moved to Duluth Minnesota and worked for 3M as a research director. In 1969, she left the company and began private consulting with such applied science heavyweights as Bell Labs, GE, Boeing and IBM.

Over the next 14 years, she either invented herself or played a major role in bringing to market a number of now-common products and technologies, including the touch tone, the Maidenform Bra, microwave cooking, gene-splicing, dental floss, the 8-track tape, DBX noise reduction, the LED, Chia Pets, digital video encoding algorithms and the Water Pik.

In 1980 she fell in love with a charming but incompetent broadcast engineer she met at a drinking contest. Swept off her feet, she severed her ties with industry and followed her heart's desire as he moved from one Southwestern US radio, television and cable facility to another. Blonk took secretarial jobs at each and put her own electrical engineering background to work to correct her husband's constant and often disastrous mistakes.

Amused by the inner workings of the media, Blonk began writing commentary under a variety of pen names. During those years, she also was called on many times by the Defense Department for critical maintenance issues involving aging ICBMs.

In 1991, tragedy struck. Her husband left her for a 19-year old radio groupie, with whom he moved to a Wisconsin cheese commune.

Blonk immediately retired from the broadcasting industry and moved to Colorado to be closer to her only child.

Just a year later, and out of sheer boredom, Blonk took a receptionist's position at a large software company, where she scared away solicitors, frustrated callers, assisted the Development, IT and design departments, doled out advice to fellow employees and secretly worked with Tim Berners-Lee to improve the graphical and text formatting capabilities of the World Wide Web.

By 2005, her corns, a lifelong problem, had become so painful that she was forced to leave corporate America. She now works from home writing advice columns, media commentary, horoscopes, self improvement articles and haiku.

She currently resides with her four cats, Gonzo, Vomit, Stinky and Mister Hairball in a charming and fortified complex in the foothills overlooking Denver Colorado.

Potential trespassers should consider her armed and dangerous.