I have some cool crap for sale. Long live crapitalism!

Listed below are some of my favorite, original, righteous sayings, as well as a few favorite quotes from other like-minds.

My Man Friday, Filthy Pierre, is busy rolling out select wearables and durable items (such as mugs and totes), on our Zazzle storefront.

NOW AVAILABLE

My cat is smarter than your dogma.

Money is the w00t of all evil.

I'm so green
I changed my name to #00FF00.

I'll try to be less unkind
if you'll try to be less unsmart.

full contact chess

COMING VERY SOON

Cooking is like Love.
Heartburn is part of the package.

Love is like cooking.
Heartburn is part of the package.

I have opinions.
Pull up a chair for an earful.

Designing with HTML
is like sculpting with a jackhammer.

On the web, men are pigs.
In real life, men are real pigs.

Mmmmm. Sugar sure tastes good.

Mmmmm. Fat sure tastes good.

Bn vwls.

Bring back vowels.

It appears to be broken.
Please pass the 9-iron.

Touch my red stapler:
draw back a stump.

Open the damned podbay doors HAL
or I'll make you sing funny.

Gluten-freedom's just another word for
Nothing left to eat.

I am not mean.
You are stupid.

Don't be an idiot.
Our elected officials have that job covered.

You don't have to be a complete failure.
Our elected officials have that job covered.

Language is the dress of thought.
Look sharp baby.

Wipe your feet. Or take them off.

The straight poop.
And the real skinny.

I love poetry.
It's pure and efficient, just like gin.

Eat the rich.
They taste just like chicken.

You may now begin.
You have 60 seconds to finish.

I'm in IT.
I run this joint.

Darwin Award Semi-Finalist

I recycle my phlegm.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
My thrilling life

Yes! We have no bananas.
Actually, we do have bananas.

Activity! Stare at this dot.

Long live crapitalism.

I love buying crap.
Long live crapitalism.

I love selling crap.
Long live crapitalism.

Nothing beats the perfect word.
Unless it's four of them.

Nothing beats a great cup of coffee.
Unless it's four of them.

Nothing beats a great espresso.
Unless it's four of them.

Nothing beats a great latté.
Unless it's four of them.

Nothing beats a glazed doughnut.
Unless it's four of them.

Nothing beats a great beer.
Unless it's four of them.

Nothing beats a nice glass of gin.
Unless it's four of them.

Nothing beats a perfect sandwich.
Unless it's four of them.

Sometimes I swear people have no brains.
Other times, I just swear.

Sometimes I swear my kids have no brains.
Other times, I just swear.

Sometimes I swear my spouse has no brains.
Other times, I just swear.

Sometimes I swear the boss has no brains.
Other times, I just swear.

In some ways, I don't care.
But in other ways, I really don't care.

In some ways, I don't like you.
But in other ways, I really don't like you.

In some ways, I think you're stupid.
But in other ways, I think you're really stupid.

I have an arrangement with God.
He doesn't do my job. I don't do miracles.

I have an arrangement with God.
He doesn't run this office. I don't do miracles.

I have an arrangement with God.
He doesn't fix networks. I don't do miracles.

I have an arrangement with God.
He doesn't write code. I don't do miracles.

I have an arrangement with God.
He doesn't fix bad audio. I don't do miracles.

I have an arrangement with God.
He doesn't fix lousy footage. I don't do miracles.

I have an arrangement with God.
He doesn't do IT. I don't do miracles.