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See? Didn't I tell you that would happen?


Born this month: Trying to act cool will only show what a real goober you are. Just be your real goober self.

  Aquarius: 1/20-2/18

You will take a part time job as a mall Santa, where you will learn what it means to be abused all day by hoards of horrible little people who suck up because they want something from you, not because they really appreciate or like you. This is good because, one day, you will be the boss of your own company.

  Pisces: 2/19-3/20

Suddenly unable to contain your true feelings about your supervisor boss, you unleash a verbal tirade at an all-company meeting, letting the boss know what a pathetic weasel mother he is. When you’re done, the boss calmly points out that he makes more than you, has a hotter wife and has just fired you publicly – as well as all of the grammatical errors that highlight your lack of education. Idea: new career and remedial English classes.

  Aires: 3/21-4/19

You discover that you are part Hawaiian and after a three-day drinking binge in which you decide to name yourself “Manly Island Hunk,” you petition the court to change your name to Icky Icky Mauna Mauna Oha Oha Walla Walla Moola Moola Nicki Nick. The judge laughs and grants your request. Later, you find out that your translation was wrong and your new name means “Oozing, infected discharge.”

  Taurus: 4/20-5/20

You buy two gigantic inflatable snow globes for your front lawn just to show up everyone in your neighborhood. The local TV news takes interest and arrives to film your front yard for the 6 p.m. newscast after a neighbor files a complaint with the police saying you have an illuminated pair of lactating breasts in your yard.

  Gemini: 5/21-6/21

After being instructed to do so by strange voices in your head, you finally finish counting all of the individual bits of stucco on your living room ceiling. Thank God that is over! You can now get back to a normal life. Next: count all the individual threads in your carpet.

  Cancer: 6/22-7/22

You feel better than you have in quite some time and you see things more clearly than ever. Perhaps, in hindsight, trying to start a fashion trend by tightly wrapping your face in duct tape was a mistake. Don’t worry about the adhesive that bonded with your skin. It will eventually scab over and drop off.

  Leo: 7/23-8/22

This month, you truly are a force to be dealt with. Yeah baby, the sofa’s foam padding and that 55 gallon economy size container of snack mix don’t stand a chance. Tip: reinforce the floors in your TV room now.

  Virgo: 8/23-9/22

Say yes to life and everything that is good and righteous! Say no to low-cal spreads, tofu, mamby-pamby craft brews and especially those lame episodes of Star Trek that are set in Earth’s past because the producers obviously ran out of special effects budget.

  Libra: 9/23-10/22

Fresh visions and bold new ideas will present themselves this month. Weigh the pros and cons carefully. Then you won’t feel badly about not going forward. I mean, why start bathing regularly when you could spend that time eating Cheez-Whiz straight out of the can and watching Gilligan’s Island reruns?

  Scorpio: 10/23-11/21

To celebrate your company landing the huge contract with the sausage manufacturer, you dress up as a giant weiner and leave for work early. A week later you are found huddling in a warehouse storage container into which you were forced to take refuge when cornered by a pack of hungry feral dogs.

  Sagittarius: 11/22-12/21

Carefully prepare yourself for that important job review. It’s critical that you have documentation about your successes and results. If you don’t have that, you should at least have documentation about the boss’s visits to that smarmy strip club in the bad part of town.

  Capricorn: 12/22-1/19

Late one night, through your television, you are contacted by a superior alien species who demands you provide an example of a great musical work as proof that humankind should continue to exist. Badly caught off guard, you can only sputter out, “Knock Three Times” by Tony Orlando and Dawn. Earth is doomed.