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Cooking is like Love. Heartburn is part of the package.

Thelma's Grind Guide / C8H10N4O2 Extraction Primer

Closeup: Auto Drip

Closeup: Espresso

Closeup: Rocket Sled

Coffee. Makes the world go 'round. On average, 50 million cups are consumed worldwide each day (more on Mondays and days following major sporting events).

Whether you drink your brew straight up or decorated à la Starbucks, releasing an appropriate amount of molecular caffeine is critical to creating the right tool for the task at hand.

To that end, I've put together a quick reference table showing in-store grinder settings, at-home grinder duration and resulting strength.





1 sec

N/A but good for loosening up clay soils


2 sec

N/A but excellent exfoliating facial scrub


3-5 sec

Tan dishwater - for pansies and managers


5-10 sec

Lousy yield without some extra boiling

Auto Drip

10-15 sec

Mainstay of corporate cube farm prisoners


15-20 sec

Will prevent sleep during speech by CEO


20-30 sec

Now we're talking! Direct Current.

Dark Matter

30-60 sec

Great for talk show hosts/car salesmen

Powdered Rocket Sled

2-3 min

Highly prized by IT pros, engineers and software developers. Have fully charged cardiac defibrillator close at hand.

Measure: one level tablespoon per six ounces of water.
Laundry day option: six level tablespoons per ounce of water.

Sip and enjoy!

SPAM Dîner Enveloppé Dans le Clinquant Sur le Gril

(Foil dinner on the grill)

Here's a lovely recipe for one of the world's most unique and convenient foods: SPAM. My alternate cooking method is a great way to entertain guests on those snappy Autumn evenings.

1/4 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup beer (a stout irish or dark european is best)
1/4 cup stone ground mustard
1/2 tsp celery seed

8 new potatoes, sliced 1/4" (creamers are good too)
2 cups carrots, sliced 1/4"
1 large onion, thinly sliced (Vidalias are best)
12-oz can SPAM, cut into 12 slices

In small bowl combine brown sugar, beer, mustard, and celery seed. Divide vegetables and SPAM into equal portions, arranging each portion on a 18x12" piece of foil; drizzle mustard sauce over each and fold up to form 5x4" packet, sealing well.

Place over medium hot coals, grilling 45 to 60 minutes or until vegetables are tender.

Alternate cooking method: While comfortably seated at least 12 feet away from grill, deliver 4-second bursts from recreational flamethrower every 20 seconds, for the first five minutes. Then decrease to 3-second bursts, delivered every minute. Check often and be sure cooking area is well ventilated.

Yield: 6 servings.