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The One-Minute Wall Street Survival Smarts Test


What a cluster. The bubble has burst and left a slimy coating of goo on half the world's poulation. Scraping it off is going to take patience and market-wisdom, neither of which the perpetrators had to begin with. Meanwhile, your money's gone, and becoming a WalMart greeter is looking more and more attractive - because at least the stores are air-conditioned.

Let's see what you know at this point:

 

"Wall Street" gets its name from:

1. "Stonewalling," a favorite tactic used by subpoenaed CEOs.
2. The walled, gated communities which financial managers are wealthy     enough to live in.
3. The four vertical planes which delineate the boundaries of the padded     cell you have lived in since losing your entire life's savings.

"Financial instrument" refers to:

1. Any method or device used to transfer your wealth to the assets of     your brokerage firm.
2. Any method of concealing debt, risk or liability.
3. The solid gold Fender Stratocaster your fund manager bought with
    the bonus he received last week.

"Trickle-down economics" refers to:

1. The downward transfer of debt from the rich to the poor.
2. The involuntary tears that are triggered by watching a stock ticker.
3. A favorite pastime of fund managers; urinating on common folk from     private helicopters.

Stimulous package refers to:

1. Incentives to banks to lend money to consumers so they can buy
    more of crap they don't need and cannot afford.
2. A program designed to help families in desperate need, which will
    send Rush Limbaugh's heart into full tachycardia.
3. Capital assistance which will allow fund managers to re-hire the
    large-hootered executive assistants they had to lay off to maintain
    their bonus levels.

Consumers can educate themselves about the workings of Wall Street by:

1. Studying the body of medical literature regarding psychotic behavior
2. Studying federal criminal code and statutes
3. Acquainting one's self with the lifestyle of notorious pirates

"The Fed" is now owned by:

1. The government of the United States
2. The people of the United States
3. The government and the people (of China)

FDIC is an acronym which stands for:

1. Falling Dollar Index Control
2. Fraud, Denial, Irresponsibility, Collusion.
3. Freaking Dirtbag's Institution of Corruption







The One-Minute Green Index Test


You were environmentally conscious - back when you were young and had nothing to lose. Then you began making real money and you lapsed into sleazy yuppie consumerism. But when the hottie at the gym ranted at you for tossing an empty plastic water bottle into the trash, you realized it was time to "get verdant."

Let's see how you're doing.

 

I announce my green-ness to the world by:

1. Wearing green contact lenses and going by the name "#00FF00."
2. Suspending all oral hygiene until my smile has a moss-like tint.
3. Drinking as little water as possible so I can point out to strangers
    that my urine is the color of Rose's Lime Juice.

Al Gore is:

1. A national hero.
2. God (okay, maybe more like Buddha).
3. A name that uses unnecessary characters, thus wasting precious
    resources. "L GOR" is greener.

I have installed solar panels:

1. On the roof of my home.
2. In sunny locations throughout my yard.
3. On the inside of my home tanning bed.

To conserve water:

1. I drink only straight liquor.
2. I wash my dishes and clothes while in the shower.
3. I collect my spittle and drool in a paper cup for use when filling
    the company coffee maker.

To help reduce the size of the local landfill:

1. I throw away everything at least twice.
2. I recycle and re-use, as much as possible.
3. I stopped taking the trash out last year. Just ask the county
    health inspector!

I run my vehicle on:

1. A gas/ethanol mix.
2. Biodiesel.
3. The methane captured by a tube inserted into my butt.

To save electricity:

1. I turn off the lights when leaving a room.
2. I turn off the lights when entering a room.
3. I regularly short out the transformer in the alley to kill power
    to the entire neighborhood.

To become active in the green movement:

1. I joined Greenpeace.
2. I joined The World Wildlife Fund.
3. I watch TV programming produced by the World Wrestling Federation
    just because it has the same acronym as World Wildlife Fund.







The One-Minute Public School Teacher Aptitude Test


Do you have what it takes to perform the world's most important, difficult and under appreciated job?

Take this easy quiz to find out!

 

Formal educator training teaches one how to:

1. Conduct hand-to-hand combat
2. Turn students into zombies who can pass the meaningless aptitude
    tests which ensure job security
3. Stretch a very modest paycheck by eating rocks and pine cones

Finish this sentence: I prefer working with children who are:

1. Difficult to teach
2. Gifted and talented
3. Unarmed and current on their rabies shots

For the most part, kids are:

1. Decent, hard working and eager to learn
2. Mean, dense and lazy
3. The reason most teachers drink like fish

My skills include:

1. Creating colorful analogies to help explain abstract concepts
2. Screaming at the top of my lungs to penetrate iPod force fields
3. Demonstrable expertise in chalk throwing, knuckle rapping and
    lifting-by-the-hair-on-the-nape-of-the-neck

Teachers are free to use their summer vacations for:

1. Bankruptcy proceedings
2. Preparing to meet next year's impossible aptitude benchmarks
3. Very long electroshock therapy sessions

The most effective resource available to assist educators is:

1. A good shrink
2. The local Primal Screaming Club
3. Central nervous system depressants

I would take a teaching job because:

1. I want to make a difference (see #2)
2. I am incredibly naive and idealistic (see # 1)
3. The municipal Road Kill Collector's position was filled

After 30 years of teaching, I expect to be:

1. Comfortably retired and playing tennis
2. Still teaching, even as a volunteer
3. Heavily sedated and locked up







The One-Minute CEO Aptitude Test


Do you have what it takes to mercilessly pillage a company and stuff your bank account with ill-gotten booty?

Take this easy quiz to find out!

 

What does CEO stand for?

1. Chief Executive Officer
2. Cunningly Exploitive Oligarch
3. I don't have time for this crap. I am calculating my bonus.

What is the Fortune 500's average gross-revenue-dollar-per-employee ratio?

1. What's an employee?
2. Oh yeah. Well, they had better generate a freaking pile of cash.
3. Thanks for your hard work. You are so laid off.
4. Who wants to buy a company?

Finish this sentence: "Every successful company should…"

1. Screw its customers, then its workers, then its shareholders.
2. Screw its workers, then its customers, then its shareholders.
3. Screw its shareholders, then its customers, then its workers.
4. Excellent plans! Let's screw everyone!

When attending a financial audit, a CEO should always take:

1. Carefully organized financial data.
2. Lots of pencils and a calculator.
3. A fifth.
4. The fifth.

During times of financial instability, a good CEO must be able to consider:

1. Selling off non-core-business assets at a profit.
2. Selling off underperforming business divisions to contain losses.
3. Selling off mom's Florida condo to pay for this year's Swiss ski trip.

Image is important to success as a CEO. One should avoid suits that are labeled:

1. Sears
2. Munsingwear
2. Sansabelt
3. Class Action